The “Pain” Behind Those Carefully Masked Replies….

I’m going to take this time to dig into myself, be a little vulnerable, and write down some my past heartaches and my hurts. It seems so distant, yet so current. That dull empty feeling, I want to call it hurt and I want to call it pain, but those don’t quite describe feelings of such disappointed, so raw, so hallow, yet still healing from bleeding out. Bleeding out. What a funny phrase created for something so physical, yet so vivid in a metaphorical sense. Pain is a word describing something felt. It’s not actually something you can see … or so they say. It’s a chemical reaction from stimuli sent to nerves, firing to the brain letting it know there’s an injury or potential problem. But what about the pain that comes from heartache? What about that pain that is invisible inside you and your mind, but is an unbearable heavy weight you feel daily? What about that pain of depression? Anxiety? Sadness? Hey, even too much happiness can be overwhelming some times because we don’t always know what to do with it (aka “tears of joy”).

If you pay enough attention, you can see pain written on the faces of those around you. If you look close enough, you can see them “bleeding out”. From the moments you see them closing their eyes taking deep breaths. To the dull look in their eye that seems to fade a little bit more each day. That sparkle that stops twinkling. A bleeding out with every action that goes unnoticed or even intentionally ignored. Every twitch. That sad look in their eye as they reply “good” to your “how you doing today?” That robotic default answer everyone gives no matter what, because to say “not good” requires an explanation most might not want to listen to. Or even worse that awkward silence where they have to care enough to ask why? It’s an easy thing to do, it’s easy, yet incredibly hard going through our days giving these robotic answers to avoid these encounters of “caring” because those negative feelings are frowned upon or it’s inconvenient to listen to other people’s problems when we already have our own.

You ever go through those phases where something or someone took the life out of you? Where you dread going to sleep because you dread waking up and doing it all over again? Where every time you open your eyes in the morning it hurts all over again. Waking up from a numbness and light and pain flooding you again as reality hits you. Someone did this to me before or maybe I technically did it to myself. Someone made me, gave me that push to just go numb. They made me feel so much, I felt nothing at all. I laugh now at it, because I drove all the way back from Florida last year to be home with those I love and who truly care about me. I was holding in a lot and I remember just wanting to be held. Just wanting a hug from someone who loved and cared about me. I remember just looking at my dad and saying as tears flooded down my cheeks that I just needed a hug and he didn’t hesitate. It was long enough to make me feel better, yet not long enough to get awkward. Lol And.. that’s all I needed. I explained why I needed it and we joked about guys and stupid stuff. And I can honestly say that I never cried over that guy again since then, but what I realized after that was how blessed I am to have a Dad and even a family who I can be 100% me with. Who I can tell when I am hurting. Tell when I need a hug. Can cry in front of. Can laugh about those things and laugh those tears of “pain” out with, that I’d been holding in for so long.

It’s a huge release of pressure, when you can lay your guard down after you’ve had to hold it up on your own for so long. Who you fight your battles with matters. I now understand the phrase “That’s someone I’d go into battle with”. Because life is a battle. How you get through it depends on the people armored up beside you ready to take it on. I find myself filled with so much love whenever I’m around my family whether they be immediate or my amazingly huge extended family, because I know they’re the people that would go into battle with me and me them. My amazing, big hearted mom would bake me any emotionally driven food item I wanted before I could get “I’m on a diet” out of my mouth and I’d probably still eat it. My aunts would be on the phone with me in a jiffy if I needed them for anything. They’re at the foundation of ME and they’ll always have my back. They’re the people I can show my weaknesses to and they won’t use them against me unless it’s at a family gathering and the “jokes” start coming out. Then it’s all fair game because that’s how family works. Lol We find a way to laugh at the good and the bad (even at each others expense) because we can’t imagine a life without a bit of laugher in the face of it all.

I actually wrote this piece a long time ago, but I’m posting it now to challenge you look a little closer at the battles others might be fighting behind that mask they put on for every day wear. Behind that falsely layered response of “I’m good”. Be a little nicer, care a little more, see the little things unseen because life isn’t all Instagram or Facebook “Posts” to be and everyone’s just trying to get through life a little less damaged than what is already promised. Also, I don’t know about you but I really appreciate it when people notice the little things. It makes things easier when you know you have a few big hearted people out there willing to care a little extra and listen to you more than what’s “convenient”. Like the topic of a sermon I recently listened to talking about how we should to allow ourselves to be DISTURBED. It really made me take a look at how I go about my days and my interaction with others. Go out of your way; Give some love and you’ll more than likely find yourself receiving plenty of it in return. ❤

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”

1 John 3:17

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:4

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