Let Yourself Breathe…

Sometimes life hits you hard. Then it hits you again, but maybe not exactly a quick jab. Maybe the next swing is like a punishment drug out. Because you refused to let go of something not good for you. Like water skiing when you’re holding on to the rope too long after you’ve already lost control. Swallowing water and getting drug around, a hurt of your own doing. And then you come up for air, but you’re trying to catch your breath, trying to recover. Finding yourself in the middle of the crash zone. That place where all the waves break coming to shore. A short lived moment of safety, only to find yourself taken out by another massive wave crashing down. Held under and having to hold your breath just a little too long. The waves crashing down as you struggle to get back to calm waters. Somewhere in the middle of it all you lost your breath struggling to stay afloat…

Sometimes life happens to us like that and we find ourselves holding our breath; bracing ourselves for another impact. And we’ve had to hold our breath for so long, we forget to let ourselves breath. They say good things come in threes, but I kind of believe bad things do too. Lol A few things happened in the last 7 months that I think in a way knocked the wind out of me. Had me holding my breath waiting for what was next. Starting with surviving in Puerto Rico after two CAT 5 hurricanes destroyed the island, to some personal things that were drug out too long, and then a pretty miserable experience in Lebanon that had me stressfully getting 3 hours of sleep each night. Not because I was unsafe, but because my intuition was screaming at me that I wasn’t in a good situation. I was in that “crash zone” and Sweden turned out to be those calm waters I was trying to reach.

I write this because I found myself smiling for no reason again and laughing at little things that brought me more joy than they probably should. From walking home after having dinner with my adopted Swedish grandparents, to leaving my church and friends there in Stockholm on Sunday. To walking to our gym looking up at the sky, watching the thick snowflakes fall down. In the middle of taking one of those really good, deep, fill your lungs to the brim breaths, I realized just how long I’d been holding my breath. Not realizing it or what I’d been bracing myself for. But, I was finally letting myself BREATHE!

I think sometimes life hits us hard and seems to keep coming back for more. We sit there waiting for that storm to be over. For the next wave to hit. Often times, forgetting to breath. Living life on the defense instead of taking offense. Sometimes it’s from shock and we take a little extra time to assess the damage done and collect ourselves. But LET yourself breathe again. Let yourself take the freshest breath of air you’ve ever taken and savor it slowly. Get back up. Take control of your life. Control the controllable. Appreciate the little things. Take a moment to see clearly and to take a closer look at the beauty surrounding you. All the beauty that was there the entire time, but was drowned out by all the noise. It’s in that calm after the storm where you start to hear birds chirping again. It’s simply where things restart … or continue going… whatever you choose to see it as.

This blog is the product of just another moment where I’m reminded that it takes your silence to appreciate the sound of your own, genuine laughter over something so simple. It takes darkness to appreciate the light. Being alone to appreciate the company of good people. It takes all those forced, fake smiles to FEEL the fullness of the real ones. It takes losing your breath to realize just how often you took the simple act of breathing for granted. All of that, just to be reminded over and over that your life is fuller than you realize.

Just a little reminder to take a look around and notice. Take a look around and let yourself breathe. Xx

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Dare To Do More Than Dream…

Anyone who knows me knows that my journey hasn’t been the easiest, nor has it been the hardest anyone’s ever experienced. I’ve been through the ringer in the pursuit of my dreams and still pending…

The funny thing about DREAMS is that a lot of times we are looking at those who are already living their dream, but we don’t see the journey it took them to get there. We don’t see the tears, the blood, the sweat, and often times the unfair, broken moments crashing down around them. We don’t feel  the lonely nights choosing not to do what everyone else does in order to stay on track. We don’t feel the pain, the disappointment, the frustration, the heartache that made the fact that they actually made it happen that much more impressive. We don’t always get to see, read about, or understand the DNA of other’s successes.

For many, a dream is just that… a DREAM. Something unattainable. Something you go to sleep for, so you can fantasize about. Waking in the morning; crashing back to reality. Back to that mundane job you hate with coworkers who don’t want to be there either. Back to that weekly routine of waiting for the weekend. That 9-5 grind on repeat. Something that only those lucky individuals you read about or watch on TV are blessed to be living. Something other people do or live. Like they were “dropped” into that role or won the lottery for it. Praying for that miracle life to be sprung on you.

In my opinion, too many people are just “dreaming” and not “doing”.

Ask yourself: What makes you happy? What motivates you? What kind of change do you want to make in this world? What kind of impact do you want to make in your short lifespan? How do you really want to live it? What kind of work are you willing to put in to get it?

Dreams are meant to be chased. Dreams are meant to be clawed after. Dreams are meant to take pieces, take chunks out of you along the way. Dreams take work! It’s your dream, so why shouldn’t it take parts of you and your time to fuel, to create it?! They say nothing good ever came easy. I believe it.

The pursuit of my dream has broken me physically and mentally. It has tried me over and over again. Most recently, it has put me through not one, but TWO Category 5 hurricanes playing in Puerto Rico. It has left me lonely, staring at the ceiling of a gym at 3 AM wondering what I was even doing. Asking myself, “What am I thinking for daring to dream something so BIG, that at times feels unreachable?” It’s created a lifestyle where having a real meaningful relationship with anyone worthwhile is nearly impossible. Again, staring at the ceiling in a foreign country, where I’m all I have, wondering what’s wrong with me? Taking me to the darkest parts of myself with every knee operation on my resume. It’s left me bawling my eyes out alone in my cold Poland apartment, knee swollen in unbearable pain and heartache knowing another surgery awaited me after a 28+ hour travel day back home. It’s driven me to push my family and my friends away at times so I could bask alone in the crappiness of it all, knowing I’m the only one who understood the heartache I felt. The only one who could see the details unseen or read the language of the pain inside my soul. It’s taken pieces of me inside and out and at times, without meaning to, from those around me as well..

I’m nowhere close to achieving my dream but I do know I’m closer than I would be sitting on my ass dreaming of reaching a destination without the ambition to get in the car and drive. Basketball isn’t my life but it has given me a platform and the confidence to share my struggles with others. It’s given me the ability to help others and motivate young minds. In a way, I guess I’m already living my dream.

In my silence, I found my voice…

In my breaking, I found my making…

In losing myself, I found myself…

In my journey, I found my dream…

The struggle is a part of the dream process. Your steps are the keys pressed down to make the notes, creating the music to the masterpiece of your life.

The question is: How much of that masterpiece are you willing to write? How much are you willing to fail? How much are you willing to fall apart, only to put barely put yourself back together again and again and again?

Dare to DREAM! Dare to claw after them and make them a reality! It’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be fast. It’s not going to be instant gratification. You have to climb to get to the top of that mountain. Ever notice that books are written about and movies are made about those people who faced adversity and overcame it? Those are the stories we like to hear. Those are the people who have the best stories and those same people were dreamers once too. Don’t settle to be less of the person you’re capable of being! Whether you would love to open a business, succeed as an athlete, graduate from college, or even just to live your life you want! Make those steps. Get up and start walking! Start working! Just simply START! Wake up from that fantasy every damn day and start living into your dream, until it starts to become your reality. You’re capable of so much more! You’re capable of more than just simply sitting around dreaming.

Start “Doing”…

 

Dating… in a world where less is more??

Now let’s talk about how hard and oddly how easy it is to find yourself single in this world today. Like, how do you meet other human beings of the opposite sex or same sex depending on your preference, these days? It’s a serious question!! I like having a drink or two every now and then but even then I don’t really have much success in meeting quality guys at the bar, club, local Chipotle…Not to mention, they have to be at least 6 ft to even get on my radar and maybe a ticket out of the friend-zone…if they are lucky. Trying to talk to a guy or even date one is so mind boggling and a rollercoaster in itself. You don’t know how much of yourself to show to them because you don’t want to show them all the crazy you are snuffing out for the time being. You want to seem at least sane and a bit normal (whatever that is anyway). It’s an endless battle for girls at least to be stuck in their head like: “What is he thinking? Why did he say this? Oh he didn’t text back. That must mean he doesn’t like me. What are we?”

Then we all have these crazy moments when we somehow get to the extreme like: “He didn’t text back. He doesn’t respect me. He probably is talking to another girl, three, ten. Yep he’s definitely a player. You deserve so much better! Go off on him for ignoring you. Naw, don’t show him the crazy. Meh, whatever. light him up, he deserves it. …. * no response for 2 hours* “ Okay crap, backtrack and apologize. Blame it on the one – five margaritas.” “Okay you spilled all crazy out and he hasn’t replied. You’re so stupid. Delete him and ignore him if he ever messages back… This is probably why you’re single. ” “oh he texted back! *waits 1 hour for revenge*.. Hey babe, I’m sorry too for being a little crazy.”

It’s a constant mind game. I don’t know about you, but I go through phases where I find myself lonely and wishing I had someone to care about me/the things in my life and then I decide to actively try to date or talk to guys. Then there’s those times where I’m content just doing my own thing because putting energy into that area seems pointless and too time consuming. There’s also that phase right after a failed attempt to talk to someone and you’re like: “Well… THIS is why I am single and it’s really not so bad. I may just live here….. FOREVERRR. It’s getting pretty comfy in here. “

My problem is that I just want to be blunt and put it all out there. I want them to know what they are getting into. Which is, as you can tell from my previous posts, a person with “issues”.  Haha. I’m constantly fighting the role of knowing what I deserve and not settling for anything less than quality or anyone that doesn’t fit in my screwed up puzzle quite right. I’ve always said “You can’t force a puzzle piece into the wrong spot, the picture won’t turn out right.”

If you’re looking for just a piece to fill that hole, then it does the job but the overall scheme/ picture isn’t going to look complete and it isn’t going to be pretty. The right piece is out there, you just have to put the work in, be patient, and find it. Sometimes it just gets kicked around, lost in the chaos, or in between the couch cushions. I’d say this past year has tested me to practice what I preach and taught me how painful it is to let go of those people you care about but are no good for you. That however is a topic is for another day and another blog.

It’s weird how being blunt scares people off. How sometimes being too real and showing them your undiluted self, scares them. I just want to be like: I’m looking for someone for the long haul. Someone I can actually have deep conversations with, not just superficial/surface conversations. Someone I can relate to and can relate to me and let me tell you guys AND gals, there is NOTHING more sexy or more attractive than someone with ambition, intelligence, kindness, humor, and LOYALTY. Someone who knows what they want or even WHO they want. Nobody should ever tell you anything different. Have goals! Know the kind of person you want in your life for the long haul and know the kind of people you want to be surrounded by. Know the kind of person you want to be and be it! Have some sort of drive towards something! Have an open mind and constantly be thirsty to learn and gain knowledge! Don’t settle for who you are today because tomorrow’s going to come and you don’t want to look back and see that all you’ve been doing is standing in the same spot for the past year. It’s in our nature to want to feel fulfilled and accomplish things, no matter how small. Keep moving, keep walking, and run if you can!

I had a great conversation about this exact thing with someone months ago. It was my birthday weekend, so it only seems right that I was able to relate on this topic with someone else. It was refreshing to know for a fact that there are girls out there that have the same line of thinking as me and that I’m not just screwed up in the head after all those concussions I suffered in college. Nice to know that I only came out with the bare minimum “Dain Bramage” as my dad would put it. 😉

Dear men, let me just say that being a gentleman in the “old school” meaning of that word, will never go out of style. I don’t know a single girl who wouldn’t appreciate a door being opened for them, a call instead of a text, just to see how their day was. An ACTUAL date that requires thought instead of just “Netflix and chill”. Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just that we allow ourselves to accept less and be less. Don’t allow yourself to be any less of the man you are supposed to be and ladies don’t allow your man to be anything less either. But don’t allow yourself to be any less of the woman you are supposed to be either. Be a real WOMAN or MAN in the purest form. Not that watered down version society deems acceptable as the “norm” now-a-days. BE better. DO better!

If you already are in a relationship guys, the best advice I’ve given some of my own friends is that “When in doubt, do more!”. When she says,  “Don’t’ come over.” You best be already on your way over. When she says she’s “fine”… She’s not and you best already be already at a McDonalds picking her up a Mcflurry or something sweet… Just saying… You’re welcome!! You’ll thank me one day when you find your better half, who makes your days all that much brighter. Like I said in my last blog, don’t settle for less than what you deserve because you deserve the world! But you also deserve to be pushed to be the best version of yourself possible. Don’t settle for being LESS than who you can be because people also deserve to experience the BEST version of YOU too!

Know Your Worth…

My last post was about those lonely feelings and insecurities you feel sometimes late in the night hours. About how you may not be doing anything wrong and probably are doing more right than you know. Here’s my take in my short 26 years, it’s hard out here for a pimp. Lol So today I’m starting with something that’s important to know before you start dating — your own worth

I speak to the women out there, but men can warp it to them as well. It’s important to know your value! It’s important to know that you are quality and act like it! I like to think quality people attract other quality people and quality should only except quality right? I’m not going to say I have high standards because in reality they aren’t “high”. They just “ARE”. They’re simply standards and I refuse to settle for someone that doesn’t meet them. Not saying those that don’t meet them are any sort of lesser person. They just don’t vibrate at the same frequency as me and their goals/ambitions aren’t in line with mine. Hopefully, one day I’ll find that person who is on the same wavelength as me that it just feels easy and right. Two people running at the same pace, in the same direction, at the same time. (Hypothetically, because there’s been one too many times these past few years where running hasn’t gone well for me. We could settle for walking at the same speed I suppose. Haha) I’d say I want someone to sweep me off my feet and make me weak in the knees but I’ll take a hard pass on the weak knees haha

I’m not saying I haven’t met quality guys but most of them were still “Boys” in a world where I’m looking and waiting for a “Man”. I’m not trying to just simply BE in a relationship. I’m not trying to shove someone into a mold that doesn’t fit. Like shoving a puzzle piece into the wrong puzzle, in the end the picture doesn’t turn out right. In my previous blog, I wrote about shoving someone else in that lonely tomb with you, the hollow “I love you’s “ echoing off the walls, attempting to fill the silence. I think it hurts more to be emotionally wrestling with someone who isn’t on that same level as you. Who isn’t on the same page of emotions or feelings. Ask yourself, why do we feel the need to fill the silence? Why do we feel rushed to latch onto someone else? Why do some people jump from relationship to relationship like a monkey not able to let go of one branch before they have another? Are we that insecure with ourselves? That afraid of ourselves to sit there alone at night with nobody on the line? That scared to sit across from our own insecurities and see them for what they are? Begging for love in a world where true love is truly hard to come by.

For all you single people out there, don’t SETTLE for someone who doesn’t fuel you in the same way you fuel them, because eventually one of you is bound to run out of gas. I aim this at the ladies because I relate to you the most, OBVIOUSLY. Be a lady! Act like a lady and eventually you will find a MAN that’s willing to and who knows how to treat a lady. Know your worth and in the meantime, constantly be working to increase your worth and value. That is what is in your control. Don’t let your happiness depend completely on the relationship of the person you ALLOW to stand beside you. Let your happiness come from within and let it attract someone who wants to be a part of that happiness and can actually ADD to it!  People treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you. Don’t let someone else dictate your day. Don’t let someone take you for granted. Don’t let someone treat you like an “option” when you damn well deserve to be a “CHOICE”! Don’t let them determine your mood or take your energy without giving anything in return. Your energy is valuable. Give it to those people who deserve it because you deserve the world! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be fought for! You deserve to find that one person who will be your best friend thick or thin, until the end. And you deserve someone who gives you just as much love as you put out into the world.

Ladies, you shouldn’t have to beg for attention and you shouldn’t have to beg for a man’s time. The right man will MAKE time for you. The right someone will give you the attention you need to feel loved and feel appreciated. A man will carve time out to spend with you because he WANTS to, not because you’ve mentioned it a million times. Understand, people make time for what’s important to them! If they aren’t making time for you, then honestly, you probably barely make the list and you shouldn’t have to feel the sadness, the insecurities, the disappointment of that. You’re not a dog. You’re not a starving animal on a constant search for love. You can find enough love to fill you all around you, if you just choose to see it. The right people love you and will make sure you feel it. You don’t need to question it or go through the struggle of siphoning love out of an unwilling source.

I was talking with my friend the other day about this whole dating process/relationship process and how when us girls feel lonely or in need of love/affection/attention we search for it. So the question got brought up: Why do we allow/find ourselves begging for love from people who are only willing to give us scraps of their love? Like starving animals, we stick around, when we don’t need to be “starving” for anything!

The thing we often forget is that God is always there offering us all of his love. If we choose to act like we’re starving for love or attention, it’s by CHOICE. We don’t need to find ourselves in unfulfilling relationships or going after guys who aren’t willing to give us more than just scraps of their attention or love. I’m not buying into that. I’m willing to wait for someone who wants to get to know me and is willing to put as much energy and love into me, as I have to give him. It’s a balancing act. Sometimes we find ourselves putting more energy into someone than they are putting into you. Feeding someone without getting fed back and we find ourselves starving, drained of whatever energy, vitality, happiness we once had. A good relationship should be nourishing to the mind, the heart, and the soul. They should inspire you, as well as you to inspire them, to be better and challenge you to push your own limits daily. Being in love is a challenge but finding love really shouldn’t be. It’s wherever you choose to see it. Stop looking beside you for someone to fill that love void and look up at all the people in front of you already willingly reaching out, offering whatever love they have to give. You are loved with or without someone filling that space. You are enough. You are quality, so act like it.

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve because you deserve the world! Don’t be afraid to walk in that world alone until the right one makes you feel at home.